Somebody you consider dear has passed; how do you honor them without minimizing the joy of your wedding day? I know these emotions. My husband died just a few years before his son’s wedding and we all were missing his presence during this milestone occasion.
When it came time for toasts, the Best Man (a wonderful wonderful person!) honored my husband, maybe even a little more than he honored the Bride and Groom. Honestly, it was too too much, and left many of us in tears; not happy tears, sad tears. I personally had to leave the reception to dry my tears and to try to shift back to a joyous disposition. It was such a sweet gesture by the best man, but truly not appropriate for a wedding day celebration.
This may sound harsh, but your wedding is not your loved one’s memorial service. This is a joyous occasion. You deserve to be happy and my gut tells me that your loved ones would not want you to shed one tear about them on your wedding day. Life is filled with much sadness so protect the good moments when you can.
So how do you respectfully acknowledge a love one without losing the joy of a moment?
1) Place their name in a special note in your wedding program (Here in our hearts we honor: …) If it is a sibling, parent or grandparent, list their names and you can add a dove, butterfly, or a cross after their name. Maybe even a little note that says: “we love that we know you are here in spirit Grandpa” (or sister or Mom, etc).
2) Place a picture of you and your loved one doing something wonderfully fun with big old smiles on your faces on a picture table that is filled with pictures of you with all those that have significance in your and your better half’s life.
3) If you are having a video montage shown at your reception – keep the pictures light and festive of those that have passed. And remember – this video is to be more about you than others. Don’t make it a memorial to your dearly departed, but don’t erase them from your memories. Make the pictures ones that will make you laugh or smile, not cry.
4) If your loved one had a particular bible verse, poem or song that you love as well, have it in your ceremony. And mention it in your wedding program but it does not have to be mentioned before the song or before the verse if that would make you or others sad.
5) Is there a piece of jewelry that you can wear that will make you feel closer to your Grandma that has passed? Is there material from her wedding dress that you can have made into a handkerchief? Can the groom wear his grandpa’s cuff links? Do you want to wear a locket with your late Mom’s picture in it?
Discuss your feelings with family and those that will be giving toasts or welcome speeches or officiating at your wedding. Let your family know how much or how little (or not at all – this is your decision) you want that special person mentioned on your wedding day. Tell them that you love those that are no longer here and think about them often, but you want to be sure that everyone can have a joy-filled, life affirming day. You set the boundaries; it is your day.
The day after my son’s wedding, I took flowers from the wedding and set them on the memorial bench donated to a park in honor of my husband’s life. I sat there for awhile, cried a little, and was very happy to know that our very special newlyweds were on their way to their Honeymoon and New Life together. That made me smile.
Joy is what your loved ones will want for you. Celebrate!
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EBs who have advice on honoring love ones without inducing tears of sorrow – please share!
Tags: wedding advice, wedding planning, Wedding Stories, wedding wisdom
My brother died just three weeks before I was to be married. Just before he died he made me promise that I would not shed one tear about him not attending my wedding. He said “if you don’t think I’ll be watching every second of your wedding, you don’t know me! I’ve never missed a good party and I am not about to miss your wedding. SO if you cry because I am not there, you are forgetting who I am!” He also made me promise that I would make a fool out of myself by starting the chicken dance – which he knew I hated. But… I did the chicken dance and smiled the whole way through it! Joy IS what your loved ones want for you!