True confessions…
I have made every excuse possible not to write part two of our wedding budget discussion, which began in our last post… A wedding budget lesson from a hotline client. So if a 30-year veteran in the wedding industry doesn’t like talking about preparing for budget conversations, how could any newly engaged couple be enthusiastic about the prospect?? Unfortunately, the reality is you need to have a clear idea about what resources you will have to celebrate your marriage before you start making plans for those festivities or… you could likely end up in a drama similar to the bride in part one! Here are some ideas and steps for wedding budget preparations:
First step: Talk to your fiancée about what they envision about your wedding celebration. If he or she tells you that they have always wanted a ceremony on a bluff for just the two of you, a minister and no other guests, then you are looking at a whole different ballgame than someone who says they have always dreamed of a wedding with their entire extended family of 300 attending.
Tell each other your dreams and your fears about planning your wedding and talk frankly about what each of you individually can and want to contribute to the festivities. Do not let your marriage celebration ruin your financial future, and therefore risk a stable beginning of wedded bliss.
Develop some plan for a wedding that is being financed by the both of you and no one else. Therefore, when you talk to your parents or other possible contributors, you go into that conversation knowing that you have a plan B that the two of you can do all on your own. And believe me, sometimes when you see the strings attached to other people’s contributions, plan B may soon look like your dream wedding!
Second Step: Get some realistic pricing of local wedding vendors. Don’t start having budget conversations with Mom and Dad before having a good idea as to what things cost. I encourage couples to walk at least two Bridal Faires just to collect ideas and pricing. I make my couples pinky swear that they will book no vendors at a Bridal Faire – you can get so caught up in the hype before you really have time to do some price and quality comparison and of course, before you know what you can afford to book. Consider Bridal Faires as a place to collect data – just the facts… no bookings! Pinky swear!
After the Bridal Faire field trip, let your fingers take a walk on the Internet. There are so many resources online and you don’t want to miss all that is at your fingertips. Be sure to match your research with the city you plan on having your celebration in. I had one bride that was looking at venue pricing in Missouri when she made out a budget for her California wedding. Silly, silly, silly bride (she knows I love her!!!!) If you Google just “weddings” it will make your head spin – so start with more specific searches like New York City Wedding Venues, or Bend, Oregon Wedding Flowers, etc..
A one hour budget consultation with a wedding coordinator in your area is a wise investment. Even if you do not hire them to help execute your wedding, a budget conversation can be very helpful in getting your wedding planning started in a fiscally responsible way. Email the coordinator a list of questions you have or what you want to achieve in the consultation so they can prepare for a meeting that has personal value to you.
After your conversation with your betrothed and your pricing research, it may be time to have a sit down with the parents. But before you start a conversation with anyone else about contributing to your wedding budget, remember this harsh but true fact: NO ONE OWES YOU A WEDDING CELEBRATION –NO ONE. Parents owe you a safe and sound upbringing but they don’t owe you a party. If you walk into a budget conversation with logic, humility and gratitude the conversation is going to be a more honest exchange.
Economically speaking, we have just survived one of the worse years this nation has ever seen and many parents have lost their jobs, their retirement funds, and/or they are feeling (rationally) financially very vulnerable. People over 45 have been impacted more than any other age group in this volatile economic climate so please be conscious that people you expect to be able to contribute to your wedding may not be able to. You don’t want anyone to feel guilty that they cannot help you with financing your celebration.
With that said, are you ready to talk to Mom and Dad?
Here are a few more tips:
Talk first to whomever is the easiest to have a real conversation with; if your Mom is the voice for your parent twosome, talk to her first. Tell her that you do not want to assume that they are planning to contribute to your wedding costs, but you need to know if they do plan on contributing, and if so, what they are planning on contributing. Tell her you want to have a clear picture of what resources you have to plan your wedding with. If they say “Honey I’m sorry we just can’t…” then there is no need for a Budget Powwow. However, if they say, “well sure we plan on contributing”, then ask if they would come over for brunch (if geographically possible) so you all can have a real conversation about what they want to contribute to (the whole shebang or just your wedding dress?) and the dollar amount they want to offer. Tell them you want to be very responsible and respectful with everyone’s money and expectations. Have your fiancé have the same initial conversation with his/her family. I highly recommend that when you get with individual contributors that these are separate conversations – you don’t have both sets of parent or families at these initial budget talks.
I had one bride who emailed her parents and admitted to them she was too nervous to initiate the conversation in person, so wanted to email them her query so they had time to really think about what would be the right answer for them without the pressure of her big blue eyes. Her parents appreciated the humor and the thoughtfulness in the way she worded her email. She wrote that she wanted them to know that whatever their answer, the most important thing is that she have their emotional support to make her marriage as happy as theirs. She got it. And her wedding planning, wedding and marriage reflected that she got what was important.
Now parents are like anybody else and often are very vague about specific dollar amounts. If Dad says, “we’ll pay for the reception,” you need to ask him for specifics, “Does that mean food, drink, flowers and DJ? And do you want me to share some ideas on what those costs might be? Dad, I just want to be sure I don’t exceed your budget for my reception.”
Be absolutely certain that you know whom they feel must be invited to your wedding or any other expectations they have about your wedding so you can address those appropriately (“no mom, we are not going to invite your hairdresser’s cousins; I want to know everyone who attends my wedding.”). There are always strings (or at least expectations) connected to any contribution to your wedding, so know what they are before you accept the contribution.
When you have a clear idea as to what people are contributing, you might want to take them to the vendors you are considering or at least send them info on real costs. I had one father who said he would only spend $5,000 on a caterer for his daughter’s wedding but when he met a specific caterer, he wanted to spend so much more (actually 10 times more!) and believe me, he could afford it! Giving your parent’s a sense of involvement in the wedding planning is a gift and recognizes their contribution to not only your wedding, but to your upbringing. And they’ll get a more realistic idea of what things cost.
Remind yourself to stay in a place of gratitude when you are spending other people’s money! I was going through my 96-year-old grandfather’s mementos the other day and he still has a thank you letter I wrote to my grandparents for purchasing my wedding dress and jewelry. In this letter I also asked them to participate by reading my favorite bible verse at my wedding (Corinthians 13:4-7). He told me the letter is one of his most prized possessions. He felt so included in my wedding.
Whatever your budget turns out to be, know that if there is love between the two of you, your wedding can be a beautiful celebration! One of my favorite weddings I helped with cost a total of $500! Yes, I will blog about it. Just know what $$$ you have before you begin the fun of planning your wedding. It really can be fun with any budget! I truly believe it doesn’t matter how many zeros are in a wedding budget but it clearly matters how much heart is put into the wedding planning. I hope you’ll visit BKB often to get ideas on how to plan true celebrations of love.
Here are some more budget resources for you:
Websites: Cost of Wedding (has a good simple checklist to look at)
Wedding Planning on a Budget (has a free download of a wedding budget worksheet that is worth taking a peek at!)
Book: Wedding Budget Made Easy
Tags: wedding budget, wedding budget advice, wedding planning
Talk about perfect timing! I am just about to have “the talk” with my parents and I really needed to read this post and part one (which I loved!) My best friend had a disastrous experience with her conversation with her parents because she had it in her mind that they somehow owed her to pay for her wedding – she never even thought about the reality that her dad had just lost his job! Wedding brain can get rather illogical and self-centered! I have vowed to myself to not let that happen to me. I’m following every step you discussed and remembering the fact that the most important thing is that I get to celebrate my marriage with my family and friends… even if we just have a simple cake and champagne reception – we are going to have fun dammit!
Thanks for this post and all your other posts – they have such substance! Your experience shows in everything you write!
It’s so nice that you learned a lesson from your friend’s unfortunate mistake. I know you are going to have a wonderful celebration that will be filled with heart. Bravo to you!
That was probably one of the finest discussions of how to have a meaningful conversation I didn’t write! LOL
Any bride who follows your thoughtful suggestions will find that the love and respect she shows her family (and fiance’s family) will be returned ten-fold. Sure, some of it will be sticky but how wonderful it is to actually know the numbers, your parents dreams and expectations and how that could all work in real life. Brava, sister!
Thank you so much Dina. I am so excited about the work you are doing to develop the communication skills in the wedding industry. We’d love you to be a guest blogger anytime! In fact, we’d love you to blog about your own wedding and what it meant to you!
Keep up the great work!
Kathy Howard
BridesKnowBest